It wasn’t difficult, splitting my wrist veins. I bought the heaviest duty cutter I could find and my plan worked. It’s going to be alright.
I did not make the trip to the bed from the bathroom. I stumbled on my fuzzy yellow bunny slipper and lay face down on the parquet floor, one arm extended over my head. I watched the blood ooze from my wrist, every precious ounce of life flowing out of my body.
She came through the door, her ginger mane neatly groomed. She stared at me silently, as if asking, “What the heck have you done?”
She spoke to me in her one word language, belting out an exasperated “Meoooooow” in my general direction.
She licked the blood on the floor, then fled, revolted by its iron taste.
I closed my eyes and breathed my last, embraced by the forgetfulness of death.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
If you ask me
The dog’s barking woke her from where she slept in her 1960s style bungalow. But it was the door chime that brought her to full consciousness. He was at her gate at 2:03 am. She threw on her robe and hurried to the front door, careful not to make a noise.
The silver in his hair reflected the full moon. His spectacles were in his breast pocket. His eyes were clear and reflected his full consciousness. But he reeked of alcohol and his speech was slurred.
“I assssked to be dropped off here,” he said, resting his head on her shoulder. The posture must’ve been uncomfortable for him for he was a full foot taller than her.
“I can see that. Come in,” she said cradling his head in her small hands and gently guiding him into the living room. She sat him on the couch and would’ve put his feet on the ottoman and taken off his shoes, but he held her shoulders fast and held her close to him. He inhaled the smell of her neck and nibbled on her ear. Then he rained kisses on the juncture where her neck met her shoulders.
His actions didn’t shock her at all.
They have been dating for six months and contrary to the consensus of the men she dated in the past, she wasn’t a cold fish. Not with him. She gave kiss for kiss, hug for hug, and everything that followed thereafter between a hot blooded male and female. But they haven’t fully consummated their relationship. Not yet, maybe because of an unspoken agreement that they would wait until she was ready.
Tonight she was.
She held him firmly by the shoulders his face one foot away from hers. She could not hold back the smile that touched her lips, which was threatening to turn into a full blown laugh.
“You’re not drunk,” it was a statement.
He looked her in the eye. “No.”
They were in such a hurry to get undressed he forgot to take off his socks. She only realized this while they lay spent in her English four poster queen sized bed. She smiled while she ran her hands through his hair, relishing his sleeping face. She is sure, they will laugh about it in the morning.
The silver in his hair reflected the full moon. His spectacles were in his breast pocket. His eyes were clear and reflected his full consciousness. But he reeked of alcohol and his speech was slurred.
“I assssked to be dropped off here,” he said, resting his head on her shoulder. The posture must’ve been uncomfortable for him for he was a full foot taller than her.
“I can see that. Come in,” she said cradling his head in her small hands and gently guiding him into the living room. She sat him on the couch and would’ve put his feet on the ottoman and taken off his shoes, but he held her shoulders fast and held her close to him. He inhaled the smell of her neck and nibbled on her ear. Then he rained kisses on the juncture where her neck met her shoulders.
His actions didn’t shock her at all.
They have been dating for six months and contrary to the consensus of the men she dated in the past, she wasn’t a cold fish. Not with him. She gave kiss for kiss, hug for hug, and everything that followed thereafter between a hot blooded male and female. But they haven’t fully consummated their relationship. Not yet, maybe because of an unspoken agreement that they would wait until she was ready.
Tonight she was.
She held him firmly by the shoulders his face one foot away from hers. She could not hold back the smile that touched her lips, which was threatening to turn into a full blown laugh.
“You’re not drunk,” it was a statement.
He looked her in the eye. “No.”
They were in such a hurry to get undressed he forgot to take off his socks. She only realized this while they lay spent in her English four poster queen sized bed. She smiled while she ran her hands through his hair, relishing his sleeping face. She is sure, they will laugh about it in the morning.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Tears in the Night
Long into the night
The heavens cried
The earth caught every tear
I cried myself to sleep
Yet again
The tears on my pillow
I cannot bargain
For the cold comfort
Of a friend’s arms
It might be
That this is the way
It has to be
That when you are cruel
It will be me who weeps
When you feel insecure
Because I refuse obedience
And assert my side
Of the story
It might be that the sun
Cries too
When the night is cruel
And everybody
Is as fragile as a glass heart
I cried long into the night
Well into the morning
For sorrow from the
Certainty
That the only side
You’ll ever take is yours
Til the very end
All you will ever see
Is the view from your low
Perch
Unable to put yourself
In another’s shoes
I have to accept
That’s all you’ll
Ever be
Listening to Mr. Sumner
On this rainy morning
My tears falling
My heart heavy
It should be precious
This feeling
Because it needs to be rare
It paralyzes
And I have to live
You need a licence
For your carelessness
For your childishness
An irony, really
When you are more sixty
Than sixteen.
The heavens cried
The earth caught every tear
I cried myself to sleep
Yet again
The tears on my pillow
I cannot bargain
For the cold comfort
Of a friend’s arms
It might be
That this is the way
It has to be
That when you are cruel
It will be me who weeps
When you feel insecure
Because I refuse obedience
And assert my side
Of the story
It might be that the sun
Cries too
When the night is cruel
And everybody
Is as fragile as a glass heart
I cried long into the night
Well into the morning
For sorrow from the
Certainty
That the only side
You’ll ever take is yours
Til the very end
All you will ever see
Is the view from your low
Perch
Unable to put yourself
In another’s shoes
I have to accept
That’s all you’ll
Ever be
Listening to Mr. Sumner
On this rainy morning
My tears falling
My heart heavy
It should be precious
This feeling
Because it needs to be rare
It paralyzes
And I have to live
You need a licence
For your carelessness
For your childishness
An irony, really
When you are more sixty
Than sixteen.
Half-blood
Time flies when the fun
Is over
And the rain has washed
What’s left
Of levity
Into the parlor we go
For games with lives
At stake
To bridge mere mediocrity
With the veneer
Of excellence
To thrive like an
Aristocrat
When all I am
Is a half blood commoner
The father the prince
Of laughingstocks
With a marm for a mistress
A mother the teacher
More noble
Than the clan she refused
To join
To be where you are
A desire gnawing
At my very heart
Flooding the gates
Of reserve
Making a wanton wench
Of a prudent maid
To beat you at this game
Of who loves who
More
And be the slave of the
Merchant of hope
Descended from Basque
Will you reconcile the heat
In your blood
With my cold English heart
Are we forever to be at odds
When the West has already
Met the East
In us?
Is over
And the rain has washed
What’s left
Of levity
Into the parlor we go
For games with lives
At stake
To bridge mere mediocrity
With the veneer
Of excellence
To thrive like an
Aristocrat
When all I am
Is a half blood commoner
The father the prince
Of laughingstocks
With a marm for a mistress
A mother the teacher
More noble
Than the clan she refused
To join
To be where you are
A desire gnawing
At my very heart
Flooding the gates
Of reserve
Making a wanton wench
Of a prudent maid
To beat you at this game
Of who loves who
More
And be the slave of the
Merchant of hope
Descended from Basque
Will you reconcile the heat
In your blood
With my cold English heart
Are we forever to be at odds
When the West has already
Met the East
In us?
Ode to the Impeccable
I am becoming
Slowly but surely
You
A nameless form
In December born
Slowly but surely
I reflect
The soul in your eyes
Truly and surely
Surer than the tides’
Obedience to the moon
I follow
In the footprints you leave
In a life well lived
The comfort
When I cried
Was not in your arms
But in the admonition
To be strong
The lesson
When I doubted
Was not in the sermon
But in the certainty
Of faith in your heart
The inheritance
From your toils
Is not the gold
But the respect
For the value you put
In my life
How often
Does it happen
That the mold that makes you
Is impeccable
Unimpeachable
Not often, I guess
For you, my mother
Walk this earth
But once.
Slowly but surely
You
A nameless form
In December born
Slowly but surely
I reflect
The soul in your eyes
Truly and surely
Surer than the tides’
Obedience to the moon
I follow
In the footprints you leave
In a life well lived
The comfort
When I cried
Was not in your arms
But in the admonition
To be strong
The lesson
When I doubted
Was not in the sermon
But in the certainty
Of faith in your heart
The inheritance
From your toils
Is not the gold
But the respect
For the value you put
In my life
How often
Does it happen
That the mold that makes you
Is impeccable
Unimpeachable
Not often, I guess
For you, my mother
Walk this earth
But once.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
The Science of Free
They laugh
Who do not understand
The science of insanity
Forgetting your name
Losing your marbles
Or just losing it
In my universe
I have lost it
Once or twice
Not more than ten times
And I was free
And they who cared
Cared more than they
Should have
And they who did not care
Laughed a little too much
After my trip
To crazy town
I had to come back
To being a sane clown
How to do that
They left me no clue
So there was nothing
More to do
Than go back to being
A scientist in a universe
Where there are no marbles
And after I counted to three
Once again, I was free.
Who do not understand
The science of insanity
Forgetting your name
Losing your marbles
Or just losing it
In my universe
I have lost it
Once or twice
Not more than ten times
And I was free
And they who cared
Cared more than they
Should have
And they who did not care
Laughed a little too much
After my trip
To crazy town
I had to come back
To being a sane clown
How to do that
They left me no clue
So there was nothing
More to do
Than go back to being
A scientist in a universe
Where there are no marbles
And after I counted to three
Once again, I was free.
Guhit ng Alaala
Dito napadpad mga luha
Ng iyong dalamhati
Nabasa ko sa kanilang
Mga patak
Lumbay na iyong bitbit
Bakit di pawalan
Pasanin na di kailangan
Mga mata mo
Iginuhit ng Maykapal
Para humalakhak
Magsaya at matuwa
Buhay na malupit
Di kailangan
Pag-alinlanganan
Lahat may dahilan
Pati hagupit ng pait
At kalupitan ng
Magulang na di ka
Kailanman nakilala
Dito nais kong ibalik sa iyo
Suklian ang luha
Ng ngiti
Kung maipapaabot ko sa iyo
Mensahe ng mga bahaghari
Kapayapaan mula kay Bathala
Bakit hindi
Dito sa lupa
Iguguhit kong muli ang iyong
Tadhana
Makilala ka
Ibigin, ipagpugay
Dito ibubulong ko sa iyo
Di ka malilimutan kalianman.
Ng iyong dalamhati
Nabasa ko sa kanilang
Mga patak
Lumbay na iyong bitbit
Bakit di pawalan
Pasanin na di kailangan
Mga mata mo
Iginuhit ng Maykapal
Para humalakhak
Magsaya at matuwa
Buhay na malupit
Di kailangan
Pag-alinlanganan
Lahat may dahilan
Pati hagupit ng pait
At kalupitan ng
Magulang na di ka
Kailanman nakilala
Dito nais kong ibalik sa iyo
Suklian ang luha
Ng ngiti
Kung maipapaabot ko sa iyo
Mensahe ng mga bahaghari
Kapayapaan mula kay Bathala
Bakit hindi
Dito sa lupa
Iguguhit kong muli ang iyong
Tadhana
Makilala ka
Ibigin, ipagpugay
Dito ibubulong ko sa iyo
Di ka malilimutan kalianman.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Bihag
Nawa’y mabihag
Sa pagtakas
Itong bilanggo ng kahapon
Bitag ng nakaraan
Hayaang humagpos
Upang mapalaya
Ang mamamayan
Ng mga ikinukubling lihim
Nawa’y lisanin natin
Ang pulo ng pagkukunwari
Bahaginan itong kaluluwang
Nagsusumamo ng kaunting
Pag-amo at pagtangkilik
Sa poong sinamba ng sandaang dipang
Kapal ng mga tagahanga
Nawa’y lumiban
Sa pagpupunyagi
Mga huwad na panginoon
Kung babasbasan ng dugo
Mga alay na hinugot sa ugat
Ng dalamhati
Pakiwari’y salat sa yabong
Mga usbong ng digmaan
Sa paglipas ng panahon
Ako’y lumuhod
Isa pa ring bilanggo
Kalayaan di matanaw
Isa pa ring sumasamba
Sa huwad na hangarin
Isa pa ring naghihintay
Sa iyong pagdating.
Sa pagtakas
Itong bilanggo ng kahapon
Bitag ng nakaraan
Hayaang humagpos
Upang mapalaya
Ang mamamayan
Ng mga ikinukubling lihim
Nawa’y lisanin natin
Ang pulo ng pagkukunwari
Bahaginan itong kaluluwang
Nagsusumamo ng kaunting
Pag-amo at pagtangkilik
Sa poong sinamba ng sandaang dipang
Kapal ng mga tagahanga
Nawa’y lumiban
Sa pagpupunyagi
Mga huwad na panginoon
Kung babasbasan ng dugo
Mga alay na hinugot sa ugat
Ng dalamhati
Pakiwari’y salat sa yabong
Mga usbong ng digmaan
Sa paglipas ng panahon
Ako’y lumuhod
Isa pa ring bilanggo
Kalayaan di matanaw
Isa pa ring sumasamba
Sa huwad na hangarin
Isa pa ring naghihintay
Sa iyong pagdating.
Rivers
I asked this question of myself maybe a million times before. How do I go on?
Even before you left, it has been at the back of my mind. My feelings were perhaps a portent of your leaving. Somehow, despite all the happiness together, I knew what we had was too good to last.
You had one foot out the door all this time. I did everything, gave it all I got and still I wasn’t able to rouse you from your half-heartedness.
The dread spread through my heart like a nameless fear, one I was afraid of.
Yet here I am, ready to pick up the pieces and start anew.
I found a lot of my fears were unfounded. Life goes on without you. The trees grew and the flowers bloomed and the river continues to flow. Life goes on.
At least, that’s what I tell myself. I thought I would die if you left. I didn’t, but I did. Part of me died when you left yet a part of me still lives. It is maddening to be trapped in this limbo of a half life, going through the motions of living but not really wanting to.
I couldn’t imagine how much space you needed to be your own person until you left.
I could say the same of me. Things are changing so fast and yet there are some that remain the same.
What scares me most is that this wouldn’t change, this sorrow, this mourning, this sense of loss. And I would be changing, moving on to new relationships, new friendships, and new interests and still be dead inside.
I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to be the living dead.
This is the question: do I want to be all dead, or all alive?
The answer may seem obvious as I contemplate this bottle of 120 Valiums in my hand. That I should be considering it is a dead giveaway, pun intended.
But.
I just want respite, a few days of not thinking about the disaster that was us.
I want to be Sleeping Beauty in that I want to sleep until the right Prince finds me. But life is not a fairy tale. God is not a Brother Grimm.
So .
I won’t sleep. I choose to be all alive. I will throw away your memories and never look back. Because nobody deserves to die after every chapter of their life ends. I will live through to my happy ending. I’ll show you.
I’ll show you.
Even before you left, it has been at the back of my mind. My feelings were perhaps a portent of your leaving. Somehow, despite all the happiness together, I knew what we had was too good to last.
You had one foot out the door all this time. I did everything, gave it all I got and still I wasn’t able to rouse you from your half-heartedness.
The dread spread through my heart like a nameless fear, one I was afraid of.
Yet here I am, ready to pick up the pieces and start anew.
I found a lot of my fears were unfounded. Life goes on without you. The trees grew and the flowers bloomed and the river continues to flow. Life goes on.
At least, that’s what I tell myself. I thought I would die if you left. I didn’t, but I did. Part of me died when you left yet a part of me still lives. It is maddening to be trapped in this limbo of a half life, going through the motions of living but not really wanting to.
I couldn’t imagine how much space you needed to be your own person until you left.
I could say the same of me. Things are changing so fast and yet there are some that remain the same.
What scares me most is that this wouldn’t change, this sorrow, this mourning, this sense of loss. And I would be changing, moving on to new relationships, new friendships, and new interests and still be dead inside.
I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to be the living dead.
This is the question: do I want to be all dead, or all alive?
The answer may seem obvious as I contemplate this bottle of 120 Valiums in my hand. That I should be considering it is a dead giveaway, pun intended.
But.
I just want respite, a few days of not thinking about the disaster that was us.
I want to be Sleeping Beauty in that I want to sleep until the right Prince finds me. But life is not a fairy tale. God is not a Brother Grimm.
So .
I won’t sleep. I choose to be all alive. I will throw away your memories and never look back. Because nobody deserves to die after every chapter of their life ends. I will live through to my happy ending. I’ll show you.
I’ll show you.
Anna and Simon (in single sentence paragraphs)
He was munching on a pretzel when he choked on it.
She was sitting on a nearby corner table at the café.
She gave him the Heimlich.
He thanked her and invited her to lunch at the nearby hotel.
She declined.
He was undeterred.
She was insistent she need not be thanked.
They walked out of the coffee shop together in a friendly argument over why they should have lunch together.
They parted at the corner of 29th and 6th Streets.
He called his father who was an intelligence agent.
She gave him a false name.
She did not want him to find her.
She did not want anything to do with any man.
Her sister died from her husband’s beatings.
She was afraid.
He found her.
She never thought he would.
They had coffee one afternoon.
He asked her where she learned the Heimlich.
She said she was a nursing aide at a nearby hospital.
He thought that was great.
He was a boat builder himself.
He bought her a bunch of yellow tulips.
She said yes to lunch.
She was sitting on a nearby corner table at the café.
She gave him the Heimlich.
He thanked her and invited her to lunch at the nearby hotel.
She declined.
He was undeterred.
She was insistent she need not be thanked.
They walked out of the coffee shop together in a friendly argument over why they should have lunch together.
They parted at the corner of 29th and 6th Streets.
He called his father who was an intelligence agent.
She gave him a false name.
She did not want him to find her.
She did not want anything to do with any man.
Her sister died from her husband’s beatings.
She was afraid.
He found her.
She never thought he would.
They had coffee one afternoon.
He asked her where she learned the Heimlich.
She said she was a nursing aide at a nearby hospital.
He thought that was great.
He was a boat builder himself.
He bought her a bunch of yellow tulips.
She said yes to lunch.
Poison
You are the poison
That took me beyond strong
When you pushed me
To reason
A losing battle
The lost cause
That was my pride
Your addiction
To being needed
Fueled my independence
The need to not need
When sanity is perched
Precariously
In your cruel hands
I was right
More times than I could count
But you made it seem wrong
To be right
I learned not to fight
When justice
Resides
In your fickle mind
I should be mad
There should be
Righteous indignation
But as I see you now
I know
That your power over me
Was the power I gave you
There is no acrimony here
As I recover that power
Because if not for you
I would not be who I am
And who I am is strong
And resilient
Equal to any storm
From your twisted regime
I learned to bend
So no matter the outcome
I might be thanking you
Until the end.
That took me beyond strong
When you pushed me
To reason
A losing battle
The lost cause
That was my pride
Your addiction
To being needed
Fueled my independence
The need to not need
When sanity is perched
Precariously
In your cruel hands
I was right
More times than I could count
But you made it seem wrong
To be right
I learned not to fight
When justice
Resides
In your fickle mind
I should be mad
There should be
Righteous indignation
But as I see you now
I know
That your power over me
Was the power I gave you
There is no acrimony here
As I recover that power
Because if not for you
I would not be who I am
And who I am is strong
And resilient
Equal to any storm
From your twisted regime
I learned to bend
So no matter the outcome
I might be thanking you
Until the end.
Seven
At seven
The world stops
I start to care
For things that do not
Matter
Inside my mind
I am a prisoner
Of prejudice
Prejudged by a jury
Who are not my
Peers
Inside my heart
At seven
The daggers pierce
Whence there was peace
Comes now a war
Terrible for its crimes
The murder of innocence
And the triumph
Of strife
Who was the God on the
Throne
At seven
When we pleaded
For the preservation
Of our way of life
Begged
Mea culpa, mea culpa
Mercy on the weak
But did they listen
At seven
At seven the world starts
And I stop caring
For the fancy promises
Of this fickle world
Only at seven
I see the eternity
Of evil
Where sorrow has made
Cowards
Of the brave
And the strong
No longer choose to see
The infirm
At seven.
The world stops
I start to care
For things that do not
Matter
Inside my mind
I am a prisoner
Of prejudice
Prejudged by a jury
Who are not my
Peers
Inside my heart
At seven
The daggers pierce
Whence there was peace
Comes now a war
Terrible for its crimes
The murder of innocence
And the triumph
Of strife
Who was the God on the
Throne
At seven
When we pleaded
For the preservation
Of our way of life
Begged
Mea culpa, mea culpa
Mercy on the weak
But did they listen
At seven
At seven the world starts
And I stop caring
For the fancy promises
Of this fickle world
Only at seven
I see the eternity
Of evil
Where sorrow has made
Cowards
Of the brave
And the strong
No longer choose to see
The infirm
At seven.
Paanyaya
Lisanin mo minsan
Ang bait na kumukubkob
Sa iyong kamalayan
Maglakad ka sa dako
Ng walang dahilan
Dahil dito ako naroroon
Dito tuloy ang pag-inog ng mundo
Malaya sa makapangyarihan
Masarap ang pusyaw ng kalayaang
Humahalik sa pisngi ng pagkatao
Makipag-ulayaw ka minsan
Sa itinuturing na baliw
Walang karanasan sa aliw
At alindog ng mundong
Mapanlinlang
Halika isayaw mo ako
Sa ilalim ng sikat ng buwan
Tawanan ang mga tala
Na nag-aanyayang mabilang
Dito sa mundo ng walang
Kapararakan
Halika, hanapin ang iyong
Kapayapaan.
Ang bait na kumukubkob
Sa iyong kamalayan
Maglakad ka sa dako
Ng walang dahilan
Dahil dito ako naroroon
Dito tuloy ang pag-inog ng mundo
Malaya sa makapangyarihan
Masarap ang pusyaw ng kalayaang
Humahalik sa pisngi ng pagkatao
Makipag-ulayaw ka minsan
Sa itinuturing na baliw
Walang karanasan sa aliw
At alindog ng mundong
Mapanlinlang
Halika isayaw mo ako
Sa ilalim ng sikat ng buwan
Tawanan ang mga tala
Na nag-aanyayang mabilang
Dito sa mundo ng walang
Kapararakan
Halika, hanapin ang iyong
Kapayapaan.
Advent
These hands have tried
And failed
To touch God in a certain way
In the dark there was joy
A flimsy spark
In the underwhelming
Sabotage of a life
Spent like a game of Solitaire
You came along
And the chance to touch God
Came along
Again
A replay of a terrible movie
In a deluded mind
Filled with fantasies of
Ambition
Overcome by fear
What was I to know
From your name
The syllabic equivalent
Of lovemaking at dawn
Where was I to hide
From the gaze that
Closes wounds
And opens minds
Lost forever to demons
Unknown
The violins play
The death march of my resistance
You who have foretold
My fall
Will catch me
And I will surrender
As the leaves
Succumb
To Autumn.
And failed
To touch God in a certain way
In the dark there was joy
A flimsy spark
In the underwhelming
Sabotage of a life
Spent like a game of Solitaire
You came along
And the chance to touch God
Came along
Again
A replay of a terrible movie
In a deluded mind
Filled with fantasies of
Ambition
Overcome by fear
What was I to know
From your name
The syllabic equivalent
Of lovemaking at dawn
Where was I to hide
From the gaze that
Closes wounds
And opens minds
Lost forever to demons
Unknown
The violins play
The death march of my resistance
You who have foretold
My fall
Will catch me
And I will surrender
As the leaves
Succumb
To Autumn.
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