What's that smell?

Perfume

“You can’t just walk away,” he said not bothering to hide the note of desperation that crept into his voice.

“Watch me,” I said, turning on my heel. That was the last time I saw him.

The scene happened five years ago, I was young and too idealistic for my own good. I have never regretted anything more than uttering those two words to the man I have always loved, and I suspect, will always love.

He wasn’t perfect. He was far from being perfect. He was always late even when I must have explained to him a thousand times why I found tardiness rude. He forgot my birthday every year and anniversaries were nonexistent.

But I love him. I put up with his shit because if I did a cost benefit analysis of my relationship with him, I stood a lot to gain.

He never remembered special occasions, but he made them up as we went along. I would be sometimes surprised with a treat to my favorite upscale restaurant because he said, it’s “Remember to Appreciate Your Girl Day.” He had a day for Holding Hands, Kissing, Pretend It’s Your First Rock/ Dance/Jazz/Classical Music Concert Day and a whole host of made up holidays.

Sometimes, when we have little money left over before payday, we’d share a fast food meal and he always lets me get the first bite on the fried chicken.

Or he’d tell his friends about my achievements at work and you could tell he was proud of me.

There’s also the way he always directs the air con at me when we’re in his car because he knows I like to feel cold in the car.

He loved me, I could tell. He loved me with a passion that ate up his being because we were so good in bed together. You couldn’t fake what he felt for me every time we got freaky between the sheets.

Then one day he came home smelling of some other woman’s perfume.

I warned him about it. I could not tolerate infidelity. It broke apart my parents’ marriage and I told him, I can stand that he was a slob, that he was no good with money, that I had to pick up after him. I could stand the worst habits but I could not stand infidelity.

I told him, if I so much as smell some other woman’s perfume on you, that’s it. We say goodbye.

And it happened. I did not fear it, it was not a prophecy that was fulfilled. I was so secure with what I had with him that I complacently believed he would not wander.
How I regret what I did that day, just walking out without asking for explanations.

I must have counted a million valid reasons for him reeking of somebody else’s perfume.

I replay it in my mind, over and over, like a bad movie on an infinite loop. On my 40th birthday, I decided to seek him out, just to put my mind to rest. I dialed his home number, hoping he’d still be there.

His mother answered the phone and told me he already moved to another house in the suburbs. She gave me his number. Apparently, she did not remember me.

I called him and he said he’d meet me at the park the following Sunday.

I put on a white turtleneck and red shorts and red flats. My hair was pulled back into a soft chignon and I put on light makeup. I wanted his jaw to drop when he saw me.

It was mine that did when I saw him again. His brown hair had flecks of grey and he was now muscular where before he was lean and wiry.

He bussed me on the check and smiled his killer smile.

“Wanna sit?” he asked, leading me to a park bench.

“I’d like to walk,” I said.

“Suit yourself,” he shrugged. I wanted to pull him close and kiss him like I used to do.

“What happened?” I asked, unable to control my tears. “What went wrong?”

He stopped, took both my hands in his and squeezed them.

“I did. I was all wrong for you. I had four other girlfriends when I was with you. That’s why I never celebrated anniversaries and birthdays, so I don’t get them mixed up.” He sounded sheepish. “I was young. I knew better but I was an asshole, I had no excuse.”

I tried to take my hands from his but he held them fast.

“Listen. Listen. The four others knew how things stood, but you. You’re special. I couldn’t bear to let you go. My friends told me I wasn’t being fair to you, but I was selfish. I should’ve been faithful to you. I should have played by your rules. I sickened even my friends. Would you believe, they’re on your side?

“They were afraid I would give you a disease or you would find out from my other girlfriends so they sprayed me with women’s cologne that night. Just to get you out of a bad situation. Because they didn’t have the heart to disillusion you about what we had.”

He was crying and my face felt like it was carved out of stone

“I don’t know what to say to this,” I said. I wanted to cry but tears wouldn’t come.